Why Rewards and Consequences Don’t Work for Your Child
What’s inside this article: Why traditional reward charts and consequence systems often backfire with many children, how different brains process motivation and behavior, and practical alternatives that build skills and preserve relationships instead of creating power struggles.
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Has this ever happened to you?
It’s a Monday morning, and you need to be out the door in 15 minutes, or everyone will be late. But, your five-year-old is still in their pajamas, hasn’t brushed their teeth, and is now having a complete meltdown because you told them to get off their tablet.
“Just five more minutes!” they scream, throwing themselves on the floor.
You’ve already tried everything you can think of. You took away screen time for after school. You bribed them with extra tablet time tomorrow if they just get ready. You threatened no tablet for the rest of the week.
Nothing works.
Their meltdown gets worse, and now you’re both freaking out. You’re going to be late for work, they’re going to be late for school, and you’re standing there wondering how every single morning turns into World War Three.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many parents are in the same boat, feeling burnt out and tired of the chaos.
Most of us were raised with a simple approach to discipline: reward the good behavior, punish the bad behavior, and eventually, kids learn to comply.
Maybe you’ve created elaborate sticker charts, taken away privileges, promised rewards for cooperation, and used time-outs to try to get their behavior under control. But if you’re reading this article, I’m guessing it’s because those approaches have been unsuccessful and you aren’t sure what to do.
Maybe those approaches have even made things worse.
Want to know why that is? Because many kids’ brains work completely differently than traditional discipline methods assume. For lots of kids, rewards and consequences don’t effectively teach better behavior. They create power struggles, damage relationships, and leave everyone feeling defeated.
Why Rewards and Consequences Don’t Work for Many Kids
We default to “reward the good, punish the bad” because that’s what we learned growing up.
It probably even seems logical to you. It’s what most parenting books recommend. It’s what schools use.
But…this approach assumes that kids misbehave because they choose to, and if we just find the right combination of carrots and sticks, they’ll choose differently next time.
What if I told you kids don’t choose to misbehave? That there’s more to what’s going on beneath the surface. Kids don’t want to be ‘bad. ‘
When we focus on controlling behavior instead of understanding it, we miss what’s really going on. We end up trapped in exhausting cycles where consequences lead to bigger meltdowns, which lead to harsher consequences, which damage our relationships even more.
I see this pattern constantly. Parents will say, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” What they mean is they’ve tried every reward chart, every consequence system, every threat and bribe they can think of.
They’re exhausted. Their kids are exhausted. And nothing is getting better.
Your Child’s Brain Works Differently
The reason traditional discipline fails for so many children is simple: it doesn’t account for how kids’ brains actually work.
Dr. Ross Greene, author of “The Explosive Child” and “Lost at School,” has spent decades studying why some children struggle with behavioral expectations. His research shows that children do well when they can.
When a child isn’t doing well, it’s usually because of lagging skills, not motivation.
Think about it this way: some children seem to “respond” to consequences because they already possess the executive functioning skills needed to meet expectations. When you tell them once not to hit their sister, they remember, they can control their impulse, and they problem-solve a different way to handle their frustration next time.
But the consequence didn’t teach them those skills. They already had them. In fact, consequences don’t teach skills at all.
Research consistently shows that consequences and punishments don’t lead to lasting behavior change. Even for kids who seem to “respond” to consequences in the moment, the behavior typically resurfaces as soon as the threat of punishment is removed.
If a child stops hitting only when an adult is watching, or only when they know they’ll lose screen time, they haven’t actually learned better ways to handle frustration. They’ve learned to avoid getting caught.
Real behavior change happens when children develop the underlying skills they need to handle challenging situations—skills like emotional regulation, problem-solving, and communication.
For kids who are missing those foundational skills, no amount of consequences will create skills that aren’t there yet..
Lagging Skills vs. Won’t Do
Dr. Greene identifies the difference between “can’t do” (lagging skills) and “won’t do” (lack of motivation).
When we assume a child “won’t do” something, we turn to rewards and consequences.
When we recognize they “can’t do” something, we focus on building the missing skills.
Executive Function Challenges
Many children who struggle with behavior aren’t choosing to be difficult or not listen to adults, or to misbehave. Getting into trouble doesn’t feel good.
They’re missing specific developmental skills needed to meet our expectations.
Think about those chaotic mornings.
Your child isn’t refusing to get ready because they want to make you late.
They might be struggling with:
- Working memory – they literally forget what you asked them to do between the living room and the bathroom
- Task initiation – their brain knows what needs to happen, but can’t figure out how to start
- Cognitive flexibility – switching from “fun tablet time” to “boring getting ready time” feels impossible
- Time awareness – five minutes and fifty minutes feel exactly the same to their brain
For children who already have these skills developed, they can handle morning routines with minimal support.
For children still developing these abilities, consequences don’t help – skill-building does.
Fluctuating Capacity
You might be thinking to yourself, “But some days they get ready right away and with no problem, and some days they just refuse”.
Well, let’s talk about a little something called fluctuating capacity.
This trips up almost every parent: your child’s skills and abilities are not consistently the same from day to day (or even from one moment to the next).
Monday morning, they get ready without a single reminder. Tuesday morning, they have a complete meltdown over putting on socks. You think, “They did it yesterday, so they’re just being defiant today.”
But that’s not how brains work.
Our capacity fluctuates based on sleep, stress, sensory input, emotional state, and dozens of other factors. A child might handle transitions beautifully when they’re rested and regulated, but completely fall apart when they’re overwhelmed.
What looks like manipulation is actually neurobiology. It happens to adults, too. Some days you’re ready to take on the world, and other days getting the pocket of your sweater caught on the doorknob sends you spiraling into oblivion.
Interest-Based vs. Importance-Based Nervous Systems
Most traditional discipline assumes children operate on an importance-based system. They’ll do things because they’re told to, because it’s expected, or to avoid consequences.
But many neurodivergent brains operate on what’s called an interest-based nervous system. Their brains are wired to engage deeply with things that are fascinating, novel, or personally meaningful.
They’re not motivated by external pressure or threats. They’re motivated by genuine engagement and intrinsic curiosity.
When Dysregulation Takes Over
When a child is dysregulated—whether from sensory overload, anxiety, or frustration—consequences don’t teach. They escalate.
A dysregulated nervous system can’t access the parts of the brain needed for learning and problem-solving. It’s in survival mode.
This means the moment we’re most likely to impose consequences (when behavior is challenging) is exactly when consequences are least likely to work.
Why Traditional Systems Actually Make Things Worse
Sticker Charts and Point Systems: Not Like Getting a Paycheck
Parents and teachers often defend reward systems by saying, “Adults work for paychecks, so kids should work for stickers and rewards.”
This comparison misses something crucial.
When adults work for paychecks, we’re engaging in a negotiated contract between equals. The expectations match our abilities. We have genuine choice—we can quit, change jobs, or negotiate terms. We’re paid for our time and expertise, not for compliance.
Reward charts are completely different.
They’re imposed unilaterally by adults for control. Children can’t opt out. They can’t negotiate the terms. They can’t change their teacher, their siblings, or their parents’ rules.
The rewards aren’t for skills or contributions—they’re for compliance with often arbitrary rules.
Reward charts often feel like coercion with stickers.
Power Struggles: When Consequences Backfire
Traditional discipline often creates the very problems it’s trying to solve.
When children feel controlled, their natural response is to seek autonomy.
For kids who already struggle with regulation, or maybe demand avoidance, power struggles activate fight-or-flight responses.
The child who argues back after losing screen time isn’t being disrespectful—they’re trying to regain some sense of control in a situation where they feel powerless.
But here’s what’s really happening in most power struggles: the adults are overwhelmed too.
Parents managing morning chaos while trying to get to work on time. Teachers handling twenty different kids with twenty different needs. We’re all operating from stress, and when we feel out of control, we might slip into immature patterns of grabbing for power however we can to try to regain some of that control.
When we’re dysregulated, we make our children even more dysregulated. We escalate situations instead of de-escalating them. We get into arguments with six-year-olds as if we’re peers rather than the regulated adult in the room.
Meanwhile, kids often just want desperately to have their voice heard. They’re reacting badly because they’re constantly being reminded that their voice doesn’t matter, that they don’t get a say in things that affect them. And they’re still learning how to self-advocate effectively, so when emotions run high, they don’t always make the best word choices.
But, at the end of the day, you can’t hold children to a higher standard of behavior than you’re capable of displaying yourself. If we want our kids to stay calm when things don’t go their way, we need to model that behavior—even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
The Compliance Trap
Even when reward systems seem to “work,” what are we actually teaching?
We’re teaching children to look outside themselves for motivation. To prioritize adult approval over their own internal compass. To perform behaviors rather than develop genuine skills.
This creates adults who struggle with self-direction, intrinsic motivation, and authentic decision-making.
Relationship Damage
When every interaction becomes transactional—when love and approval feel tied to performance—children learn they’re only valued when they’re convenient.
This damages trust and connection, which are the foundation for everything else we want to teach them.
What Your Child Actually Needs
Connection Before Correction
Before any learning can happen, children need to feel safe and connected. This means approaching challenging moments with curiosity instead of control.
When your child is struggling, their nervous system needs to know you’re on their team, not another source of threat.
This is about felt safety, not just physical safety. Your child might be physically safe in your home or classroom, but if they’re constantly anticipating consequences, criticism, or control, their nervous system stays in a defensive state.
Felt safety means your child’s body and brain believe they’re secure—that they won’t be shamed, punished, or rejected for having big feelings or making mistakes. When children feel emotionally safe, their nervous systems can relax enough to access the parts of the brain needed for learning, problem-solving, and self-regulation.
Traditional discipline approaches often destroy felt safety. When children never know if love and approval are contingent on their behavior, they can’t fully relax and be themselves.
Skill Building Over Behavior Modification
Instead of trying to motivate your child to behave a certain way, that requires them to use skills they don’t actually have, we need to teach the underlying abilities they’re missing.
For morning routine struggles, this might mean:
- Creating visual schedules that reduce memory load
- Breaking “get ready” into smaller, specific steps
- Building in transition time between preferred and non-preferred activities
- Teaching emotional regulation strategies for handling disappointment
Autonomy and Choice
Children do best when they have genuine agency in their lives.
This doesn’t mean unlimited freedom—it means involving them in problem-solving whenever possible.
Even small choices restore a sense of autonomy: “Do you want to brush your teeth first or get dressed first?”
Environmental Changes
Sometimes the best intervention isn’t teaching a child to cope with a challenging environment—it’s changing the environment to match their needs better.
This might mean:
- Preparing clothes the night before to reduce morning decisions
- Using timers and alarms instead of verbal reminders
- Creating calm-down spaces for when emotions get big
- Reducing sensory overload during difficult transitions
Co-Regulation
Children learn to regulate their emotions by experiencing regulation with caring adults.
Co-regulation isn’t just about soothing—it’s about teaching. Through consistent and supportive co-regulation, children gradually internalize these strategies, forming the building blocks for self-regulation skills they can use independently.
Your calm presence when your kids are having a difficult time teaches them more about self-control than any consequence ever could.
Alternatives to Traditional Discipline That Actually Work
Collaborative Problem-Solving
Instead of imposing solutions, invite your child into the process:
“I noticed mornings are really hard for our family. What do you think makes them tricky?”
“This keeps happening with screen time. What ideas do you have for making transitions easier?”
For children who are non-speaking or have limited verbal communication:
- Offer visual choices between two different approaches
- Use pictures to help them show you what’s difficult
- Pay attention to their body language and behavior as communication
- Try different strategies and watch for signs of reduced stress
And something super important – listen to their suggestions and give them a try even if you don’t think it’s a good solution. It shows you value their thoughts and feelings and are willing to work collaboratively.
If they suggest a solution that’s completely absurd, you could say something like “that’s one idea, maybe we can come up with a couple more”.
Stuart Ablon offers comprehensive advice for implementing this collaborative problem-solving approach in his book ‘Changeable‘, as does Ross Greene in his book ‘The Explosive Child‘.
Preventive Strategies
Most challenging behavior can be prevented by:
- Anticipating difficult transitions and preparing children in advance
- Making sure basic needs (hunger, sleep, sensory regulation) are met first
- Using visual schedules so children know what to expect
- Building in breaks before children become overwhelmed
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are what happen naturally as a result of someone’s actions, without an adult imposing them. They’re the real-world outcomes that occur automatically.
For example:
- If you don’t wear a coat, you get cold
- If you don’t eat lunch, you get hungry
- If you leave your bike in the rain, it gets wet and might rust
These are different from logical consequences, which are imposed by adults but relate to the behavior (like cleaning up a mess you made), and artificial consequences (like losing screen time for not doing homework – there’s no natural connection).
The key is that natural consequences happen on their own – the adult doesn’t create them. Sometimes we have to step back and let children experience these natural outcomes (when it’s safe to do so) rather than always rescuing them or imposing our own consequences instead.
Natural consequences can be powerful teachers because they’re connected to real life and help children understand how the world actually works, rather than just learning to avoid adult-imposed punishments.
So if it’s safe to do so, let kids experience natural consequences. When you let your child experience a natural consequence, it’s not to be cold or uncaring. So, be ready to support them when they learn.
So if your child leaves their bike outside and it gets rained on, you don’t say “I told you so” or “That’s what you get.”
Instead, you might say: “Oh no, your bike got all wet! That’s so disappointing. I can see you’re really upset about this.”
You validate their feelings while still letting them experience the natural outcome. You might even help them problem-solve: “What do you think we could do to help your bike dry off?” or “What might work differently next time?”
The learning happens through experiencing the consequence AND feeling supported through it. If we’re punitive or dismissive about natural consequences (“Well, you should have listened to me”), we miss the opportunity for real learning and connection.
Children are much more likely to internalize lessons when they feel understood and supported, even when they’re dealing with the results of their own choices.
Interest-Led Approaches
Work with your child’s intrinsic motivation:
- Connect required tasks to their special interests when possible
- Let them have input into how things get done
- Focus on their strengths and build from there
- Make expectations feel meaningful rather than arbitrary
For Parents: You’re Probably Dysregulated Too
The piece that’s often overlooked is that traditional discipline approaches are often as hard on parents as they are on children.
When you’re constantly monitoring behavior, managing reward systems, and doling out consequences, you’re operating from stress and control.
This dysregulates your own nervous system.
You have permission to let go of approaches that aren’t working.
You have permission to ignore advice about “staying consistent” with methods that create more problems than they solve.
You have permission to trust your gut when it tells you your child needs understanding, not punishment.
When you’re regulated, you can think clearly, respond with empathy, and model the skills you want your child to develop.
The Long-Term Vision
When you move away from compliance-based parenting toward connection-based approaches, you’re not just solving today’s problems—you’re raising kids who can:
- Trust their own judgment while considering others
- Solve problems collaboratively instead of just following orders
- Build genuine relationships based on mutual respect
- Handle their emotions and cope with challenges independently
- Feel confident in their abilities and worth
It’s true, approach takes more work and patience in the short term, but it also creates more capable, confident children in the long run.
The goal isn’t perfect behavior. Kids are kids. They are going to do kid stuff and make less than perfect choices. But you can help your children develop the skills they need to navigate life successfully while staying connected to themselves and the people who matter most.
Your child isn’t broken. They don’t need to be fixed. They don’t need to be punished for every little mistake. They need to be understood, supported, and given tools that match how their unique brain works.
