What’s inside this article: A review of the crucial role of co-regulation in children’s emotional development, the distinction between co-regulation and self-regulation, and a list of do’s and don’ts when co-regulating with your child.
Co-regulation is a foundational strategy that helps children regulate intense emotions by relying on the calm and supportive presence of parents or caregivers.
For kids, especially those who are neurodivergent, learning to manage big emotions can feel overwhelming. This is where parents and caregivers step in, using co-regulation as a crucial first step toward developing self-regulation skills.
In this article, we’ll explore co-regulation, how it differs from self-regulation, and actionable do’s and don’ts to follow as you co-regulate with your child.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of helping a child regulate their emotions by providing external support through calm presence, emotional validation, and gentle guidance.
Essentially, it’s about being their “emotional anchor” during moments of dysregulation when they cannot calm themselves. You can help your child regulate their emotions by modeling regulated behavior and offering reassurance.
Co-regulation isn’t just about soothing—it’s about teaching. Through consistent and supportive co-regulation, children gradually internalize these strategies, forming the building blocks for self-regulation skills they can use independently.
Co-Regulation vs. Self-Regulation
While co-regulation and self-regulation are closely connected, they serve different roles in emotional development.
- Co-regulation is a shared process. During co-regulation, your child relies on the presence of a trusted adult to help them cope with their emotions. It’s especially important for younger children or those who struggle with self-regulation due to neurodivergence, trauma, or developmental delays.
- Self-Regulation, on the other hand, is an individual process. It’s the ability to manage one’s own emotions, behaviors, and reactions independently. However, the ability to self-regulate doesn’t develop in isolation—children need co-regulation first to learn how to recognize and respond to their feelings in constructive ways.
Co-regulation lays the groundwork; it lets children feel safe, supported, and understood as they practice and build self-regulation skills over time.
However, it’s important to understand that relying on co-regulation is normal even as kids age and develop self-regulation skills.
Even adults rely on co-regulation. For example, we seek comfort from our spouse or friends when we’re having a bad day.
Do’s and Don’ts of Co-Regulation
Do’s
- Stay Calm: Model the calm behavior you want your child to mirror.
- Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and name your child’s feelings without judgment (e.g., “I see you’re feeling frustrated”). Use emotion coaching techniques.
- Offer Physical Comfort: If appropriate and welcomed, provide a gentle touch, hug, or proximity to help your child feel safe.
- Use a Soothing Voice: Speak slowly and softly to convey safety and reassurance.
- Provide Predictability: Use simple language to explain what will happen next (e.g., “We’ll sit here together until you feel better”).
- Encourage Regulation Tools: Offer calming activities such as deep breathing, sensory toys, or a quiet corner.
- Adjust the Environment: If possible, reduce sensory triggers like loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces.
- Respect Individual Needs: Tailor your approach based on what you know works best for your child (e.g., some children prefer space, others need closeness).
- Be Patient: Give your child time to return to a regulated state without rushing them.
- Reflect and Repair Later: Once calm, gently discuss what happened to help your child learn and grow.
Don’ts
- Don’t React Emotionally: Avoid yelling, showing frustration, or matching your child’s heightened emotions.
- Don’t Minimize Feelings: Avoid saying things like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting,” as this invalidates their experience and feelings.
- Don’t Force Compliance: Avoid insisting on immediate rule-following or tasks when your child is dysregulated.
- Don’t Overwhelm Them: Limit verbal instructions or questioning during moments of dysregulation.
- Don’t Assume It’s Attention-Seeking: Dysregulation isn’t a choice. It’s a nervous system response. Kids don’t choose dysregulated behavior to seek attention or manipulate adults.
- Don’t Ignore Your Child: Being dismissive or leaving your child alone can sometimes escalate their distress, leading to meltdowns and potential safety risks.
- Don’t Take It Personally: Remember that your child’s behavior is not about you—it’s about their current emotional state.
- Don’t Problem-Solve Immediately: Avoid trying to teach lessons or address the root cause of the dysregulation until they are calm.
- Don’t Rush the Process: Allow your child to calm down at their own pace without pressuring them.
- Don’t Use Threats or Punishment: Co-regulation requires connection and support, not fear-based tactics.
Co-regulation is a powerful tool that encourages emotional connection, builds trust, and equips kids with the skills they need to regulate their emotions independently in the future.
For more tips for handling dysregulation, check out these 18 de-escalation techniques.
Staying calm, validating their feelings, and modeling supportive strategies will help your child feel safe and supported when going through intense emotions. At the same time, avoiding common missteps—like reacting emotionally or rushing the process—ensures the experience remains positive and constructive.
Co-regulation is one of the most compassionate and effective ways to support your child’s emotional development. When we meet children where they are, with patience and understanding, we help them grow into emotionally resilient individuals who can confidently navigate life’s challenges.
