What Is Self-Regulation?

What’s inside this article: Everything you need to know about self-regulation – what it is, why it’s important, how it develops, how autism and ADHD impact self-regulation, and how to teach kids to self-regulate more effectively.

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We all want our children to thrive, not just academically but emotionally and socially as well. One of the most critical skills for this is self-regulation.

This vital skill isn’t something we’re born with; it’s a skill that develops over time, and it’s necessary for a child’s overall well-being and success.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the process of managing emotions, behavior, and thoughts in an appropriate way. It’s a skill used to regulate emotions, control impulses, focus, and behave in socially acceptable ways.

Self-regulation includes the ability to:

Manage responses to intense negative emotions like frustration, anger, or embarrassment.
Calm down after experiencing something really exciting.
Maintain focus on tasks and shift attention to new tasks when needed.
Engage in positive interactions with others.

Parents often have high expectations of children regarding controlling emotions and behavior and often punish, isolate, or discipline them when their behavior or strong emotional reactions don’t meet those expectations.

But, self-regulating is a complex skill. To successfully self-regulate, you need to:

Be aware of your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions
Understand expected behaviors and determine whether or not your current behavior aligns with expectations
Have strategies in place to manage or cope with intense emotions and impulses
Be able to delay gratification and control impulses in the moment
Possess problem-solving skills to navigate challenging situations effectively
Have the ability to shift focus or change behavior when the current approach isn’t working
Recognize when you need help, seek and accept help or support from others when needed

Why Is It Important?

Self-regulation is a skill we use frequently in daily life. It’s important for success at school, building relationships, and our mental and emotional well-being.

Children who can self-regulate:

Are more likely to have positive social relationships and interactions
Perform better academically
Cope with challenging situations more effectively

Kids who understand and manage their feelings and actions are better equipped to handle stress, are more resilient, and experience less anxiety.

How Self-Regulation Develops

Self-regulation develops in children through warm, responsive caregivers guiding and modeling appropriate behaviors and self-regulation skills.

Self-regulation doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a skill that develops gradually over time. It starts developing through co-regulation when we’re babies and continues into adulthood.

In fact, it’s a skill that many adults still need to practice and improve on.

Co-Regulation

In the early years, babies, toddlers, and young children rely on their caregivers to help them manage their emotions and reactions. This is known as co-regulation.

Co-regulation is when someone requires the help and support of another individual to manage their emotions and behavior.

What is self-regulation? An image comparing two types of emotional regulation - co-regulation and self-regulation

When Self-Regulation Develops

Young children will rely on co-regulation nearly all of the time. This is normal; even adults seek comfort from their loved ones when they are emotional or going through a hard time.

By the time they reach preschool, most children are developing the ability to wait for a turn, follow simple instructions, and control some impulses.

However, self-regulation continues to develop throughout childhood and into early adulthood. The brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functions like decision-making and impulse control, doesn’t fully mature until the mid-to-late 20s.

Self-Regulation and Brain Development

Self-regulation is deeply connected to brain development. The prefrontal cortex, which I mentioned, is the brain region that plays a major role in self-regulation.

This area is responsible for higher-order thinking skills like planning, decision-making, and controlling impulses.

The prefrontal cortex is still developing in early childhood, which is why young children often struggle with these skills.

The brain develops from the bottom up, starting with basic functions like breathing and heart rate, which are autonomic and developed from birth, and gradually moving toward more complex processes like executive functions.

This gradual process requires a lot of practice, patience, and guidance from adults.

Why Do Some Kids Struggle with Self-Regulation?

Not all children develop self-regulation skills at the same pace. We all have different strengths and challenges.

Just like some find math or reading harder, some kids naturally find it harder to manage their emotions and behavior, and there can be several reasons for this:

Brain Development: Some children’s brains may develop more slowly in the areas responsible for self-regulation.
Temperament: Some kids are naturally more impulsive or reactive due to their temperament.
Environment: Children who experience a lot of stress, trauma, or inconsistent parenting may struggle more with self-regulation.
Developmental Disorders: Conditions like ADHD and autism can make self-regulation particularly challenging due to differences in brain function and processing.

Signs a Child Is Struggling with Self-Regulation

When children struggle with regulation, they experience emotional dysregulation and display inappropriate behaviors, especially when they’re attempting to navigate difficult situations or circumstances, such as overstimulating environments or managing negative emotions.

Some common signs a child is struggling to regulate include:

Frequent temper tantrums or emotional outbursts
Difficulty calming down after being upset or excited
Trouble following instructions or sticking to tasks
Impulsively interrupting or acting without thinking
Struggling to wait their turn or share with others
Difficulty transitioning from one activity to another
Becoming easily overwhelmed in stimulating environments
Exhibiting aggressive behavior when frustrated
Needing frequent reassurance from adults

Self-Regulation in ADHD and Autism

Neurodiverse children often face challenges when it comes to developing and exercising self-regulation. This is because neurodiverse brains develop and process information differently.

For kids with ADHD, impulsivity, hyperactivity, sensory sensitivities, and difficulty maintaining attention are common struggles that make self-regulation particularly challenging. They may struggle to think before acting, stay calm when frustrated, and maintain focus on tasks.

For autistic children, sensory sensitivities, communication challenges, and distinct anxiety may impact self-regulation. They may need extra support managing their emotions in unexpected or overstimulating situations.

Both autistic children and those with ADHD benefit from routines and predictability, sensory supports, explicit teaching of self-regulation strategies, and individualized accommodations to support their needs.

Impacts on Learning and Behavior

Self-regulation significantly impacts learning and behavior. In the classroom, children who can regulate their emotions and behavior are better able to focus, follow instructions, and interact positively with peers and teachers. [Source]

On the other hand, children who struggle with self-regulation may find it harder to concentrate, may be more disruptive in class, and may struggle with social interactions.

This can create a cycle in which poor self-regulation leads to academic and social challenges, increasing frustration and further hindering their ability to self-regulate.

Supporting these children through co-regulation and teaching lagging skills without shaming them is crucial to breaking this cycle.

How to Teach and Develop Self-Regulation in Children

Teaching kids to self-regulate is a gradual process that requires patience, practice, and consistency.

Here are some strategies that help develop self-regulation:

Modeling: Children learn a lot by watching the adults in their lives. Demonstrate self-regulation by managing your own emotions and behavior calmly.
Positive Reinforcement: Praise and reward children when they successfully use self-regulation skills, such as waiting patiently or calming down after being upset.
Teach Coping Strategies: Help children identify and practice coping strategies like deep breathing, counting to ten, or using a calm-down corner. Different techniques work for different people. You can find 120 self-regulation strategies here.
Create Structure: Consistent routines and clear expectations help children feel more secure and in control, minimize anxiety, and make self-regulation easier. Read this guide to creating more structure at home.
Use Visual Supports: Tools like visual schedules and emotion charts can help children understand and manage their emotions and behavior.

More Resources

If you’re interested in exploring this topic further, here are some resources that can help.

Articles:

Books:

Printables:

Understanding what self-regulation is and encouraging the healthy development of this skill in children is one of the most important things you’ll do as a parent.

It’s more than just teaching your child how to behave—it’s about helping them understand and cope with strong emotions, make thoughtful decisions, and build the resilience they need to face life’s challenges.

While some children may need more support and patience in developing these skills than others, the good news is that the ability to self-regulate can be taught and improved over time.

A supportive home environment, modeling positive behaviors, and implementing tools and accommodations will help your child develop strong self-regulating skills.