Your Words Matter — How Strengths-Based Language Can Change the Way Kids See Themselves

What’s inside this article: How to use strengths-based language to help neurodivergent kids feel valued, capable, and confident. Why deficit-based language is so common—and how it impacts how kids see themselves. Plus, practical strategies to highlight strengths to help you create a more supportive and affirming environment.

Imagine how you’d feel if, no matter how hard you tried, most of the feedback you received from all the people around you, people that you care about and want to make proud, focused on only the things you struggle with.

Imagine every workplace evaluation and report and every casual comment from your parents, your friends, and your significant other were all criticizing and pointing out your weaknesses instead of recognizing what you did well.

That is the reality for many neurodivergent kids. Whether it’s in school, at home, or in social settings, they hear more about the things they do wrong and the things they’re not good at than what they excel at.

While challenges shouldn’t be ignored, constantly focusing on them can make kids feel like their struggles rather than their abilities define them. The impact of feeling that way all the time is significant.

Using strengths-based language shifts that dynamic. Instead of only pointing out what’s hard, it highlights what’s working, what a child enjoys, and where they shine.

This approach boosts kid’s confidence, builds intrinsic motivation, and creates an environment where kids feel seen for who they truly are—not just the challenges they face.

This article breaks down how to effectively use strengths-based language with neurodivergent children.

What Is Strengths-Based Language?

Strengths-based language highlights a child’s abilities, interests, and positive attributes rather than their limitations or difficulties.

Instead of emphasizing what children find difficult or what makes them different, strengths-based language focuses on what they naturally excel in, enjoy, or find engaging.

When speaking to or about neurodivergent kids, using strengths-based language validates their experiences and positively reinforces their sense of value, leading to better emotional health.

Why Is Deficit-Based Language Harmful?

Unfortunately, deficit-based language dominates many aspects of a neurodivergent child’s life, from diagnostic assessments and IEP meetings to day-to-day interactions with adults and peers.

Diagnoses often emphasize what’s “wrong” or what kids “can’t” do, making them feel inadequate or misunderstood.

For example, diagnostic criteria frequently use phrases like “deficits in social communication” or “impairments in executive functioning.” Similarly, educational plans (IEPs) often outline goals focusing solely on overcoming challenges rather than building on strengths.

Constant exposure to all of this negative language is harmful to children’s self-esteem, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy or being “less than.”

However, emphasizing strengths doesn’t mean ignoring challenges. It means addressing difficulties constructively while highlighting abilities and potential.

Why Is Strengths-Based Language Important?

Neurodivergent kids frequently receive negative feedback highlighting their difficulties, damaging their self-image.

Strengths-based language counters this by celebrating their unique abilities and interests.

Benefits of Strengths-Based Language

Using strengths-based language positively impacts how kids see themselves and interact with the world.

Here’s how:

Encourages a Positive Mindset – When children regularly hear about what they do well instead of only being reminded of their struggles, they begin to recognize and appreciate their own abilities. This helps them feel more capable and builds a sense of pride in what they can accomplish.
Increases Motivation and Engagement – When kids hear feedback highlighting their strengths, they’re more likely to stay engaged in learning and social activities. They’ll become more willing to try new things if they believe they can succeed rather than fearing failure and if they also believe it’s okay not to succeed immediately.
Reduces Anxiety and Stress – Constantly hearing about what’s difficult or what you need to “fix” about yourself is extremely discouraging. Shifting the focus to strengths allows children to feel more at ease and reduces the pressure to be “perfect.” Instead of dreading feedback, they can feel supported and encouraged.
Strengthens Relationships – Strengths-based language leads to more positive interactions at home, school, or in the community. When kids feel appreciated for who they are, they build stronger connections with parents, teachers, and peers. This also helps create a more supportive and accepting environment where everyone is valued for their unique qualities.

You can learn more about how to teach kids to recognize their strengths and find a list of 256 strengths here.

How to Use Strengths-Based Language Effectively

Here are some simple ways to use strengths-based language in everyday conversations:

Shift from Negative to Positive Language

Shift the focus to what’s going well:

Instead of: “He’s easily distracted,” say: “He’s very curious and notices things others overlook.”
Rather than: “She struggles with routine tasks,” try: “She becomes highly engaged with creative activities.”

Offer Specific Praise

Point out specific positive actions or qualities:

Instead of: “Good job today,” say: “You showed great patience when helping your friend.”
Rather than vague praise like: “You’re smart,” say: “Your solution to the math problem today was clever.”

Celebrate Individual Interests

“Encourage and appreciate kids’ interests, even if they’re a little unconventional:

“I love how you build such unique LEGO creations. You come up with ideas I’d never think of!“

Model Positive Language

Children learn by example:

Instead of self-criticism like: “I’m terrible at staying organized,” say: “I stay organized best when I use reminders.”
Instead of: “I’m so bad at remembering names,” say: “I remember names better when I associate them with something familiar.”
Instead of: “I can’t cook at all,” say: “I do best with simple recipes and clear instructions.”

Examples of Strengths-Based Language in Real-Life Situations

Example 1: A Child Who Prefers Being Alone

Negative: “He’s antisocial and doesn’t join in.”

Positive: “He enjoys working independently and concentrates deeply when alone.”

Example 2: A Child Sensitive to Noise

Negative: “She can’t handle loud environments.”

Positive: “She has highly sensitive hearing, and notices sounds others might miss.”

Using Strengths-Based Language at Home

Reflect on Daily Strengths

Discuss daily successes:

“You have such a great eye for details in your drawings—your creativity really shines!“

Use challenges as a way to highlight strengths and find alternative approaches that work better for each child.

This not only reduces frustration but also helps kids recognize their abilities in different contexts.

If a child struggles with handwriting but expresses themselves well verbally: “You tell fantastic stories. Let’s record them instead and type them out later.”
If a child finds it hard to sit still during lessons but thrives when moving: “You think best when you’re active. Want to try pacing while we go over this?”
If a child has difficulty with math but enjoys puzzles and logic games: “You’re great at spotting patterns—let’s find a way to use that to help with math problems.”

By adapting to a child’s strengths, you help them engage in learning in a way that feels natural and rewarding.

Set Goals Based on Strengths

Instead of setting goals focusing on fixing difficulties, reframe them to build on what the child already does well.

This makes goals feel more achievable and encourages kids to use their strengths in practical ways.

Instead of: “Follow instructions better,” say: “You’re great at remembering things when they’re written down—let’s use checklists to help with multi-step tasks.”
Instead of: “Stay focused longer in class,” say: “You pay attention best when you’re doodling—let’s see if sketching notes helps you stay engaged.”
Instead of: “Stop fidgeting,” say: “You concentrate well when your hands are busy—let’s try using a small fidget tool at your desk.”

By aligning goals with what already works for the child, they feel capable and motivated rather than overwhelmed by expectations that don’t match how they learn best.

You can download a goal-setting workbook for kids here.

Strengths-Based Language in Schools

Provide Constructive Feedback

When giving feedback, frame it in a way that acknowledges a child’s strengths while guiding them toward positive behavior. This helps kids feel valued and understood rather than discouraged.

Instead of: “Stop blurting out answers,” say: “You think quickly and have great ideas—let’s raise hands so everyone gets a turn to share.”
Instead of: “You need to try harder,” say: “I see how much effort you’re putting in—let’s figure out a strategy that works best for you.”
Instead of: “You’re too sensitive,” say: “You have a strong sense of empathy. Let’s find ways to express your feelings in a way that helps others understand.”

Plan Lessons for Diverse Strengths

Every child learns differently, so offering multiple ways to engage with a lesson increases understanding and participation.

By incorporating different teaching methods, you can create an inclusive learning environment that supports all students.

For visual learners: Use diagrams, charts, and color-coded notes.
For auditory learners: Include discussions, read-alouds, and verbal instructions.
For hands-on learners: Incorporate movement, manipulatives, or real-world applications.
For social learners: Encourage group projects and peer collaboration.
For independent learners: Offer self-paced work with flexible learning options.

Differentiation in the classroom ensures that students receive instruction in ways that match their strengths while still being appropriately challenged. If you’re looking for more strategies on how to implement differentiated instruction, check out this article for additional ideas.

By presenting information in multiple ways, kids have more opportunities to absorb and apply what they’re learning in a way that makes sense to them.

Recognize Individual Contributions

Children do best when they know their efforts are noticed and valued.

Make a habit of pointing out what each student brings to the group.

“Emma’s careful attention to detail helped us catch mistakes in our project today.”
“Alex’s enthusiasm made our discussion more engaging and fun.”
“Jordan asked a great question that helped us think about the topic in a new way.”
“Lena’s creative approach to problem-solving helped us find a new solution.”

By recognizing and verbalizing strengths, you reinforce a classroom culture where everyone feels valued for their unique contributions.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Avoid Vague Praise

Children benefit most from feedback that is specific and meaningful. When praise is too general, it feels empty or dismissive, making it harder for kids to recognize their actual strengths.

Instead of: “You’re always amazing,” say: “Your creativity really stood out today when you built that unique LEGO structure.”
Instead of: “Good job,” say: “I noticed how carefully you worked through that problem. Your patience paid off!”
Instead of: “You’re so smart,” say: “You came up with a really clever way to solve that puzzle!”

Specific praise helps children connect their actions to their achievements, reinforcing positive behaviors and encouraging self-reflection.

Don’t Ignore Challenges

Using strengths-based language doesn’t mean pretending challenges don’t exist. Instead, it’s about framing difficulties in a way that acknowledges them while highlighting a child’s abilities and potential.

Instead of: “Don’t worry about it,” say: “This assignment is tough, but I can see how hard you’re trying. Let’s break it into smaller steps.”
Instead of: “You’re just not good at math,” say: “Math can be tricky, but I see how determined you are to figure it out.”
Instead of: “You’re struggling with writing,” say: “Essays might be challenging, but your storytelling skills are excellent. Let’s try talking through your ideas first and then writing them down.”

Acknowledging struggles while focusing on strengths helps kids feel capable rather than discouraged.

Avoid Comparing Children

Comparisons can be damaging, whether intentional or not. Each child has their own strengths, and focusing on their individual abilities helps them build confidence without feeling like they’re being measured against others.

Instead of: “Why can’t you listen like your brother?” say: “You focus best with visuals. Let’s use those again.”
Instead of: “Look how quickly Sarah finished—why are you taking so long?” say: “I love how thoughtful you are with your work. Taking your time helps you catch details others might miss.”
Instead of: “Your sister was always good at reading,” say: “Everyone learns in their own way. I see how much effort you’re putting into this book!”

By shifting the focus to individual progress rather than comparisons, kids are more likely to develop intrinsic motivation and a positive sense of their own abilities.

Be Genuine

Kids can tell when praise is insincere. When feedback is authentic, it reinforces real strengths and encourages self-awareness.

“Your persistence with puzzles impresses me. You kept trying different strategies until you figured it out!”
“I really appreciate the way you helped your friend today. That showed a lot of kindness.”
“I love how you pay attention to little details in your artwork. It makes your drawings so unique!”

Being specific and heartfelt makes praise more meaningful and helps kids internalize their strengths.

Avoid Overpraising

Too much praise, especially when it’s given for every small action, can lose its impact. Instead of constantly offering praise, focus on recognizing effort and meaningful accomplishments.

Instead of: “That was incredible!” for something routine, say: “I saw how much effort you put into that—nice work!”
Instead of: “You’re the best at everything!” say: “You’ve really improved at this. I can tell you’ve been practicing.”
Instead of praising everything equally, be selective: “That was a tough project, but you stuck with it and found a great solution.”

By making praise intentional, it remains valuable and reinforces real accomplishments.

Avoid Backhanded Compliments

Comments that mix praise with criticism can be discouraging. A child may only hear the negative part, making them feel like their effort wasn’t enough.

Instead of: “You did great, considering how difficult this usually is for you,” say: “You did great work today!”
Instead of: “I didn’t expect you to finish that on your own!” say: “I love how you took the initiative to finish that by yourself.”
Instead of: “That was actually pretty good,” say: “That was really well done!”

When offering encouragement, keep it positive and straightforward.

Avoid Labels

Labels like “high-functioning” or “low-functioning” don’t accurately capture a child’s abilities and can be misleading. Instead, describe specific strengths and support needs.

Instead of saying: “He’s high-functioning, so he doesn’t need much help,” say: “He’s great at verbal communication but benefits from extra support with executive functioning tasks.”
Instead of: “She’s low-functioning and nonverbal,” say: “She communicates best with AAC and understands language well.”
Instead of: “He’s difficult,” say: “He thrives in structured environments and does best with clear expectations.”

Focusing on individual strengths and needs rather than broad labels creates a more accurate and respectful understanding of each child.

Conclusion

The way we talk to and about kids shapes how they see themselves. For neurodivergent children, who often hear more about their struggles than their strengths, using strengths-based language can be a powerful shift. It doesn’t mean ignoring challenges—it means making sure they aren’t the only thing being highlighted.

When parents, educators, and therapists consistently recognize a child’s abilities, interests, and progress, it builds confidence, motivation, and a sense of belonging. Instead of defining kids by what’s hard for them, we can help them see what they bring to the world.

Every child deserves to feel valued—not for how well they fit into expectations, but for who they truly are.

By changing the way we speak, we change the way they see themselves. And that small shift can make a big difference.