The Problem with Teaching Eye Contact as a Social Skill
What’s inside this article: A look at why many autistic individuals prefer to listen and engage without making direct eye contact, and practical tips for respecting communication differences in autistic children.
Let’s just start with the obvious: eye contact doesn’t mean what people think it means.
You’ve probably been told it shows respect. Or that it proves someone’s listening. Or that it’s just rude not to do it.
Most adults were raised being told, “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”
But here’s the thing. For a lot of autistic kids, making eye contact isn’t just uncomfortable. It’s painful and distracting.
So when adults—well-meaning or not—force autistic children to make eye contact, they aren’t teaching communication or social skills.
They are teaching masking.
They are teaching them that their comfort and nervous system regulation matter less than meeting someone else’s expectations.
And that is a problem.
This article is for the parents, educators, and therapists who want to support autistic kids in ways that respect their neurodivergence, not suppress it.
Because supporting kids means helping them feel safe, not forcing them to perform.
Let’s talk about why this matters and what to do instead.
Why Eye Contact Feels Wrong for So Many Autistic Individuals
One of the common characteristics of being autistic is avoiding eye contact.
A lot of people assume this means someone is shy. Or worse, they think it means the person is being disrespectful. But it’s truly not about that.
For autistic individuals, eye contact can feel:
- Way too intense
- Like being stared through
- Completely distracting from verbal processing
- Physically painful or exhausting
This is often because of sensory processing differences. The brain is taking in so much visual information that it becomes overwhelming.
So, instead of helping with connection and understanding the way it might for a neurotypical person, eye contact can flood the nervous system with too much input at once.
Imagine trying to listen to someone explain something important while a bright spotlight is shining straight into your eyes. Would you struggle to focus? Would you want to close your eyes or turn away from the light?
That’s what it’s like for many autistic people when they’re expected to maintain eye contact.
And let’s be honest—if looking away helps someone stay calm, regulated, and able to listen, learn, and participate in a conversation, is it really a big deal?
Why are we asking them to do the opposite?
Why are we expecting them to focus less just to meet a social expectation that doesn’t actually help communication?
What the Research Tells Us
There’s solid research to support what many autistic individuals have been saying about eye contact for years:
- Studies show that eye contact activates the amygdala (the survival brain) in many autistic people. This part of the brain controls fight-or-flight, and it’s associated with fear, stress, and emotional intensity. (Dalton et al., 2005)
- Forced eye contact has been linked to increased anxiety and reduced comprehension. (Kylliäinen & Hietanen, 2006)
- When autistic individuals are allowed to look away, they often process language more effectively and participate more comfortably in conversation. (Embrace Autism, 2023)
When We Demand Eye Contact, We’re Teaching Kids to Mask
Masking occurs when an autistic individual hides or suppresses their natural behaviors to conform to social expectations.
It is often a survival strategy.
Kids might mask for many reasons: to fit in, avoid negative attention from peers, or meet adult expectations, to name a few.
Signs a Child Is Masking:
- Forcing or faking eye contact
- Suppressing stimming behaviors like fidgeting, rocking, or hand-flapping
- Memorizing and scripting conversations
- Smiling even when they feel uncomfortable
- Sitting still even when they need to move
- Stiff, controlled body language
- Hiding sensory sensitivities
- Excessive focus on following social rules perfectly
- Withdrawal, shutdowns, or meltdowns after social interactions
For many autistic children, masking becomes second nature—especially in environments where they don’t feel fully accepted or safe.
But masking is mentally exhausting. It takes a constant toll on the nervous system, on mental health, and on a child’s ability to stay connected to their authentic self.
At a glance, you might think they are doing “well” in structured settings.
But inside, they are burning through their mental, emotional, and physical energy to maintain appearances.
Many children come home from school exhausted, irritable, and overwhelmed—not because they had a bad day, but because masking all day drained them completely.
Why Pushing Masking Behaviors Causes Harm
When adults push neurodivergent kids to meet neurotypical expectations at the expense of their own needs, they’re sending the message:
- That their real self is not acceptable
- That being comfortable is less important than appearing compliant
- That fitting in is more important than feeling safe
This kind of pressure often leads to anxiety, depression, and eventually autistic burnout. Burnout is not just feeling tired. It’s a full-body, full-mind exhaustion caused by living in a constant state of survival mode.
Avoiding Eye Contact Isn’t Misbehavior
A lot of adults believe that when a child isn’t looking them in the eyes, it means they are lying, being disrespectful, or not paying attention.
For most of us, this assumption comes from how we were raised. We grew up hearing, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you.”
But truthfully, even neurotypical children avoid eye contact when they feel uncomfortable.
For kids who do typically make eye contact, looking away might be a tool they use to help themselves stay regulated and present during overwhelming moments. Can you remember a time when this applied to you?
If you demand eye contact from a child who is already uncomfortable or struggling to stay calm, there’s a good chance you’re pushing them further into a stress response, and you may end up escalating the situation.
Plus, even if your child complies and looks at you, the message you were trying to send might not actually get through. This is because when a child is overwhelmed, they’re no longer fully available for listening, processing, or learning.
Did You Know: Eye Contact Increases When People Feel Safe
Research shows that eye contact tends to increase when people feel psychologically safe.
In one study, participants reported that familiarity with the people they were talking to—and feeling safe in the conversation—made it easier to make eye contact.
This insight shows why it’s so important to create environments where kids feel safe and secure.
If you make the time to help a child feel safe and accepted, you’re likely to see more eye contact from them naturally.
You don’t have to force anything.
What This Has to Do with Autism Advocacy
Supporting autistic children means recognizing and respecting the way they naturally communicate. It does not mean asking them to hide or change who they are to make others more comfortable.
We are not here to make autistic children seem less autistic.
We are here to make sure they feel safe, seen, and valued for who they are.
The best way to do this is by offering neuroaffirming support.
This can look like:
- Respecting that communication does not always include eye contact
- Valuing how a child engages, not how it looks from the outside
- Creating environments where kids feel accepted as they are
What to Teach Instead of Forcing Eye Contact
You don’t need to stop teaching social communication skills.
But, when teaching, your goals should be supporting authentic connection, not enforcing neurotypical norms.
Here are respectful, neuroaffirming ways to support autistic communication:
Support Authentic Ways of Connecting
Help kids find ways to stay connected that feel right for them:
- Allow them to look wherever feels comfortable—or not look at all
- Notice their body language, gestures, or other signs of engagement
- Accept that listening and connection do not have to involve eye contact
Model Self-Advocacy Skills
Support children in communicating their needs:
- “I’m listening, but it’s hard to look right now.”
- “I understand better when I’m not making eye contact.”
Use these phrases yourself, and practice them together.
Let kids hear them, use them, and adapt them to their voice.
Use Co-Regulation, Not Control
Instead of correcting, focus on being a calm, supportive presence:
- Sit beside the child instead of face-to-face
- Speak in a calm, low-pressure tone
- Allow movement, fidgeting, or sensory tools while listening
These simple changes can reduce stress and make connections easier.
Normalize Communication Differences
Set the tone that all communication styles are welcome:
- Don’t correct eye contact behaviors
- Focus on the child’s actual engagement and understanding
- Notice their responses, not their gaze
When adults stop correcting eye contact, kids feel safer being themselves.
Educate the Adults Around You
Help shift the culture in your school, clinic, or home:
- Explain that eye contact isn’t necessary to show listening or respect
- Share this article or other neurodivergent perspectives
- Encourage others to reflect on their expectations
Ask Yourself Reflective Questions
Before correcting a child, pause and ask:
- Am I focusing on connection or control?
- Is this about what they need—or what I expect?
- Do I care more about eye contact than my child’s comfort?
- What message am I sending if I insist on forcing eye contact?
- How can I shift from expecting performance to supporting presence?
These small shifts can change how kids feel in your presence—and how they see themselves.
Respecting Communication Differences in Autistic Children.
It is important to respect communication differences in autistic children.
Part of that means not forcing them to perform in ways that feel unnatural to them, such as making eye contact when it is uncomfortable.
Our goal should be to create real trust with children by accepting the way they naturally communicate and connect.
So remember, if a child looks away, fidgets, or avoids eye contact, it does not mean they are being disrespectful. It often just means they are doing what they need to do to stay comfortable and engaged.
When we focus less on what something “looks like” and more on making sure kids feel safe and accepted, we give them the freedom to participate in ways that are true to who they are.
That is what meaningful support looks like—and it is how we help autistic children feel valued and accepted for who they are.